im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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