I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize