And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
