if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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