is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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