dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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