also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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