Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
