thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
These tits shall not be calmed
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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