I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
