my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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