this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
