She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
