There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
