of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
