also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize