our cab driver is having phone sex.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize