Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
