just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
