apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
