the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
