There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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