we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
