Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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