He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
