am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no you cant smoke seaweed
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
