I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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