Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
