i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
