I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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