I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
