My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
