Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
