We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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