Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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