I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
