last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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