I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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