the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize