It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
