I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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