Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
