meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
