the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
