Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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