just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
