You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
