I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
