I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
