I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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