I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
