I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
