I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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