Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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