Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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